It’s difficult to put your needs and wants before others — especially for mothers. This Mother’s Day, Tawnie Putignano — a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks and a mother of four — reminds us of the importance of self-care.
Mothers are often told that taking care of themselves first is the foundation of being a good parent, but how do we do that without the mom guilt?
Self-care is essential to being a good and present mom. As a mom, when you feel overwhelmed and stressed out, it not only impacts your mental health but it also impacts the way you parent your children. Like it or not, your children do notice when you are stressed out and pushing yourself past the brink of exhaustion. Similar to how professional athletes train hard before a big game or runners before an upcoming marathon, mothers need to incorporate good self-care into their own parental training routine, and consider that a necessity to being a good parent.
What are the steps to ensuring you are taking care of your own emotional, mental and physical health?
You know that old saying, “Failure to plan is planning to fail”? Moms need to plan in advance for their own self-care. Take the time to think about what brings you happiness and peace outside of your mothering and jot those ideas down. Then, pick a couple ideas that you want to start with first and designate time on your calendar, even if those activities might be in the far future. Check in with friends and family and stay connected to your relationships, plan dates in advance. Doing this regularly will not only give you something to look forward to, but will also make it easier for you to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. Examine your current relationships and surround yourself with people who help you feel joy, make you feel good about yourself, and spend less to zero time in those relationships that do not.
What are the best ways to explain to your child about the need for “mommy alone time”?
It is so important for moms to understand that they do not need to “ask” their child for permission to have self-care but that they are explaining to their child and also modeling to their children the importance of taking the time for self-care. Moms can always use a relatable scenario to their child in explaining the need for self-care based on the child’s developmental age. For example with a small child, I would suggest saying the following, “you know how it makes you feel happy when you are coloring or playing with your favorite toys? Well when mommy goes for a walk, that makes mommy feel happy too and finding things that make us feel happy is very important”. Doing this accomplishes several things, first, you are modeling for the child that it is okay to take time for yourself, second, you are encouraging the use of feeling words, and third, you are pointing out to your child that they are responsible for their own feelings and that they can choose to engage in activities that bring them joy.
What are the consequences for not taking care of oneself first?
According to research, parental burnout is characterized by physical and emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing from one’s children, and a sense of incompetency in one’s parenting role. If you start noticing that even though you might be physically present for your children but are not emotionally and mentally present, similar to the feeling of “checking out”, you may be experiencing parental burnout. Not only are you missing out on your children’s lives but they are also missing out experiencing you at your very best. No parent wants to look back 20 years down the road with massive regret about not being the best and present parent they could have been. Take the time to fill up your parenting tank so that you can give your children the best rides of their childhood!
If you could tell mothers one fact about self-care, what would it be?
I would encourage moms to not feel guilty about taking time for themselves and to be mindful that good parenting is all about balance. It’s not about being a martyr for your children, it is about being a good positive role model for your children and demonstrating to them that it is not selfish to speak up for one’s needs. In raising confident children who are fierce advocates for themselves, we must first model that same advocacy for ourselves and for our own self care and needs.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the great mothers out there! May you enjoy some alone time this holiday.
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San Diego Moms is published on Saturdays. Have a story idea? Email hoaq@timesofsandiego.com and follow her on Instagram at @hoawritessd.